Fondling Your Muse

As I was flipping through the September issue of THE WRITER magazine, the ad for John Warner's new book, FONDLING YOUR MUSE, caught my attention. After reading the short blurb, I felt compelled to click over to the website, www.fondlingyourmuse.com "for a heaping helping of brilliance and wisdom." FONDLING YOUR MUSE is, "A Book of Advice from a Published Author to a Writerly Aspirant, a Hands-On Guide to Writing Your Very Own New York Times Bestseller." Judging from the hilarity posted at the website, FYM is a wonderfully satirical look at the road to getting published.

Some of the wisdom imparted in this book:

"Too many writers are caught up with wanting to be original or groundbreaking. Publishers, on the other hand, are shortsighted and risk-averse because, as we all know, risk is incompatible with a healthy bottom line."

"In today's entertainment world, risk is punished while treading the well-worn path is rewarded again and again and again. The only ground you should think about breaking is in your spacious backyard—for your new pool, paid for by your fat advance, earned by writing a book just like books that have already sold by the bucketful."

Warner goes on to list the "recipes" for successful publishing in several different genres, including romance, chick lit, legal thrillers, techno-thrillers, and literary fiction. I dare you NOT to laugh at his recipe for "Harlequin Romance Salad" or "Contemporary Romance Quiche à la Nicholas Sparks!"

And it makes one wonder, what would the recipe for other genres not mentioned in the excerpt look like? Sci-fi? Fantasy? Paranormal? What about Christian romance? Here's mine for Gothic Romance:


-- 1 brooding, moody, tortured hero with a mysterious/suspicious past
-- 1 virgin (or as innocent as you can find) heroine, stranded
-- 1 remote, dark setting
-- Half dozen unexplained/scary/coincidental events that make the heroine suspicious of the hero, in fear for her life, while simultaneously lusting after him, even while he pushes her away (for her own good and to save her from himself, of course).
-- Additional mysterious and suspicious characters as needed

Add heroine to hero and remote location. Toss together as often as possible, despite hero's aloof and dangerous profile, and all attempts/determination to stay away from her . Stir in extra characters and unexplained events as often as needed to bring hero and heroine to a boil.

I'd love to see what kind of recipe others could come up with. And if you're wondering what to get me for Christmas, well...I might enjoy laughing over this one too much to make it worth while. ;-)